


A Vocabulary of Silence

by Redlala



Series: Triangular [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Anakin Skywalker is an unreliable narrator, Anakin/Vader’s messy and problematic relationships, Leia Organa Deserves Better, Multi, conversely the people Vader let die because he couldn’t be bothered to save them, everyone did their best and it wasn’t good enough, so did everyone else, the complications of not being sorry, the people Anakin Skywalker killed because he felt like it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24923143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redlala/pseuds/Redlala
Summary: All I wanted was to talk to you, but I learned only jargon and found no Lingua franca in which to converseorAnakin has always had a sharp mind and he is surrounded by the best wordsmiths in the galaxy. As time passes, he discovers new words and finds himself less and less able to string them together.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker & Shmi Skywalker, Jocasta Nu & Anakin Skywalker, Leia Organa & Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker & Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Sheev Palpatine & Anakin Skywalker
Series: Triangular [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1809883
Comments: 26
Kudos: 75





	A Vocabulary of Silence

**Author's Note:**

> If you clicked on this fic because you were thinking I need some Star Wars crack in my life and Redlala has been writing a lot of that lately sorry, this is not the fic you were looking for. If instead you want to explore the messy themes of trauma and agency, you came to the right place. Also, you know, if you were like I want to read the dictionary while listening to popular rap hits of the 90’s. This fic is the result of my procrastinating my responsibilities in a truly type A fashion and writing a lot of stuff lately that really drags Anakin for being a himbo. I definitely think he is; I just also think it was a survival mechanism. 
> 
> While obsessing about “but what if they don’t get the vibe I was going for exactly how I was thinking of it” I decided really dig in, instead of letting it go so each section has a link to the song I thought of/listen to while writing it. I don’t know what to do with me either. You definitely don’t have to listen to any of them, but I think it makes the second Padmé section and Pale Blue Eyes is my current favorite post everything falling apart Obi wan/ Obikin song. And I’m going to stop before giving my entire thought process behind every song and transition. Intervention time. 
> 
> Full disclosure the Anidala relationship is explicit in this fic like in canon, just like the Obikin is ambiguous. I personally read more than platonic later in their relationship, but you don’t have to and don’t have to read this fic that way, even though that is how I intended it. Also, there is no sexual abuse in this fic, but the fact that it could have happed if Palpatine wanted that instead of destroying the galaxy is directly addressed! It is canon that Palpatine groomed Anakin from an early age. This is an upsetting relationship and may be triggering to some people. Please skip this fic or the section (Palpatine’s section) if it is for you. Gaslighting, slavery, depression, suicidal thoughts, child soldiers, and murder also come up or are alluded to. I did not think this fic warranted a higher rating but please leave a comment if you disagree and I will change the rating immediately. This fic tries to explore themes of culpability while holding that blaming the victim is not acceptable. This is true of Anakin, Padmé, Obi wan, and the Jedi. Please feel free to blame Palpatine for whatever you like. If you are blaming Luke, Leia, Ahsoka or Shmi, sorry for doing such a bad job writing this fic.

Words - Master Jocasta Nu [{Elephant Revival: Drop}](https://youtu.be/IkfWk7XaswQ)

When Anakin arrives at the Temple, he is an impossible mix of advanced and behind. He speaks four languages but cannot even write the simplest of sentences in Aurebesh. He speaks basic, but it is the wrong basic. He has no idea about the makeup of the Republic but can fix any mechanical problem he encounters. Other beings might be deterred, but he is Anakin Skywalker and he is going to be a Jedi. He will figure this out. He always does. So, he goes to the Archives, because he can.

“I am not a slave” is what he tells Master Jocasta Nu.

“No, you are not” She answers

“I’m going to learn”

“Yes, you shall”

“I can’t read” he finally admits and looks down

“Then I shall help teach you the words”

“Thank you, Grandmother”

She is shocked for a moment, he can tell. Then Master Nu smiles. She helps him start a data pad of words he learns. Overtime he learns to read and write but he can’t help himself from continuing to collect the new words he finds. The first entry is mot juste. _Mot juste_ (noun) - The exact, appropriate word or expression for a situation. It is in honor of the Grandmother of the Archives because he was lost and afraid and she offered to teach him. Master Nu (Grandmother) is impressed by how quick he is, how fast he absorbs whatever is put in front of him. None of the other Jedi seem to notice. They pick up instead on his other qualities and so he becomes what they expect him to be.

(He finds her several years after the Purges and holds her hand while she dies. “Goodbye Grandmother.” He builds a pyre and stands sentinel until it burns to ash. She does him the favor of keeping this last secret of his. He won’t say anything about it, and by that point none of his underlings would dare question him.)

Anakin has always been too pretty, too powerful, for his own good. No one expects him to be smart or articulate, especially standing next to Padmé/Obi wan/the Chancellor. It is an easy thing to _dissemble_. Dissemble (verb) - to disguise or conceal behind a false appearance. People only listen to him when he is hysterical. It gets him what he wants, and he never had the luxury of shame.

It is a preface of sorts but not the beginning.

Tatooine – Shmi [{Tracy Chapman: Bang Bang Bang}](https://youtu.be/IrRA7WMI1ks)

Tatooine is the beginning. It is a place that is in all things an _asperity_. Asperity (noun) - roughness or harshness of surface, sound, climate, condition, manner, or temper. He grows up a slave and knows from his first breath the very worst the galaxy has to offer. He understands fear and pain the way he understands breathing. He is aware that he must remain vigilant at all times and attuned to the intentions of others. He knows power because he does not have it and others have it over him. He longs for freedom but does not know what it would feel like. His only reference is flying the pod he built fast enough not even a master could catch him.

Tatooine is an _asperity_ , but he has his mother. Shmi is warmth that doesn’t burn. Kindness instead of cruelty. Softness in a loud harsh world. He may have known the worst of the galaxy from his first breath, but he also knew love. She is the shelter in the storm. His belief that despite everything the galaxy can be a good place. The Jedi come to Tatooine, but they do not come to free slaves. He helps them because he realizes Padmé is an angel even if she doesn’t, but mostly because that is who Shmi raised him to be. They have power in ways he does not, but he has the power to save them. So, he does. For all he has learned, he is still a child who thinks of things in simple concrete terms. The Jedi are good, and slavery is bad. Shmi must notice, though he does not, Qui gon only thinks to free him once he believes Anakin has further value. That he is the Chosen One.

His life is a never-ending series of _Hobson’s choices_. Hobson’s choice (noun phrase) – A choice between what is available and nothing; the absence of a real alternative. But this is the first one. The one that haunts him. The only one he truly regrets. Be a Jedi and leave his mother or be a slave and lose the possibility of freeing his mother. He goes with the Jedi, but he looks back. He doesn’t feel brave.

Jedi - Obi wan [{Sheryl Crow: If It Makes You Happy}](https://youtu.be/dyihQtBes1I)

_Sedulous_ is not actually a word he looks up. Sedulous (adjective) - Diligent in application or in the pursuit of something; persevering; constant in effort. Obi wan tells it to him in that perfect Core world accent of his when explaining what will be required of him in his training to become a Jedi. Anakin tries, studies, ignores the whispers that dog his every step. His mother told him to be brave. Qui gon promised he would be a Jedi. He will become the most powerful Jedi ever and then he will free all the slaves. He has to. It has to be worth it or he abandoned his mother for nothing. He is never short of _sedulous_ in his training.

He is beginning to dread that the Council was right about him becoming a Jedi. It is proving to be a truly _Sisyphean_ task. Sisyphean (adjective) - Endlessly laborious and futile. He is a child of the desert and so has always loved the story of Sisyphus Obi wan recounted one evening over tea early in his apprenticeship. Sisyphus was a man who tricked gods and wrote his own story again and again and again. People only seem to bother with the ending and choose to forget the gods cursed Sisyphus with his boulder because they were frightened of his mind. He had made such fools of them before.

He will always look back for his mother, though he is not Orpheus. Just as he will pick himself up and once again push the boulder up the hill, called by the memory of Padmé’s smile in some vain hope of a better future. The first time Obi wan told him the story he thought about how much Sisyphus must have hated that rock. Several years into his training he thinks differently. Obi wan is his boulder. Sisyphus must have loved that rock, the only constant real thing in a world composed of illusions and tricks ruled over by capricious gods. He yells at Obi wan, blames him for things, hates him on occasion, because he is the only truly safe and constant thing in Anakin’s life. Sisyphus would have railed at his rock. He was smart enough not to anger the Gods further.

The story of Sisyphus is a parable on caution, tricks and consequences. Do not reach too high, you will lose in the end. He suspects he never learns the correct lessons Obi wan attempts to teach him. Rely on what you can touch and make yourself again, is the lesson Anakin internalizes.

Dreams – Padmé [{Alanis Morissette: Head over Feet}](https://youtu.be/4iuO49jbovg)

It’s a dream. Padmé has always been his dream. The Force is buzzing in warning but none of that seems to affect them. Everything is soft, hazy, and beautiful on Naboo. Danger and the forbidden are thrilling instead of frightening. They are drunk on everything they shouldn’t do even as his, their, world begins to crumble. It is a _Quixotic_ disaster both only put up the pretense of fighting. Quixotic (adjective) - Romantically impractical or impulsive. He can’t help himself. He has been in love with the idea of her for so long. In that meadow of flowers, she is just Padmé and he is just Anakin. They are young and stupid and in love. Nothing can touch them here.

His life has never been a great romance though. No matter how much he indulges in the fantasy now. This love is doomed and they both know it. It is selfish and brings out the worst in both of them. The lies they will tell, have told, to themselves, to each other, to the galaxy to keep this secret will devour them. But oh, Force he feels alive. Maybe for the first time ever. He will never surrender this feeling. This love is perhaps the first thing that is truly his. He won’t apologize for it. This love is his _solipsistic_ nature in its most basic form. Solipsism (noun) - (1) The philosophy that one has no valid reason for believing that anything exists except oneself; (2) An extreme preoccupation with one’s own feelings and thoughts. He marries Padmé in secret on the veranda of Varykino and has never felt surer of anything in his entire life.

In another life they may have been happy.

(When it’s over, she is dead, and he is in pieces. He still can’t make himself sorry for it. This is how Anakin knows he is truly irredeemable.)

War – Ahsoka [{Pink Floyd: Another Brick in the wall pt 2}](https://youtu.be/HrxX9TBj2zY)

The war is a mess. He hears the phrase _Gordian knot_ for the first time from Windu. Gordian knot (noun phrase) An exceedingly complicated and intricate problem or deadlock; an intractable problem. It is another briefing and even the stoic master looks exhausted. They don’t know who the true enemy is. The Republic, the Senate, the Jedi don’t know what to do. How to win. It is an endless string of battles that get them nowhere. He isn’t sure when hope, rage, and apathy became the same thing and wonders if it is worse that no one seems to notice. It doesn’t really matter. They give him a padawan. He does not want her until he cannot bear to be without her. Ahsoka is a piece he didn’t know he was missing. Far more than a padawan, she is a combination of daughter and little sister. He will love her forever, the only way he knows how, and there is nothing he won’t do for her.

But every time he looks at Ahsoka, he catches the word _apostate_ in his mouth. Apostate (noun) - someone who abandons his or her religion, political beliefs, principles, or cause. He doesn’t think the word about himself or more precisely that is not what sparks panic in his belly at the thought of the word clawing its way out of his throat. He has spent years amassing his failings as a Jedi, friend, and person. He has never truly believed in the Republic he swore to die for, married Padmé in secret in direct affront to the code he is supposed to live by, and most importantly his mother is gone and everywhere he looks the people he swore to free are in chains. No, he has always known what he is. The panic comes from the fact that he can no longer think of the Jedi without _apostate_ immediately after. It is not just the Council, though he can’t remember thinking of them a different way. Ahsoka is clever, talented, and a child. She should not be a soldier. She is his padawan and it is his job to teach her about peace but all he seems to do is show her how to kill. The Jedi say trust in the will of the Force, but if this is the will of the Force than the Force is evil. He keeps his jaw clinched tight and tries to manage a smile when she looks over.

She is gone. It’s a relief. It’s worse. He understands why she left, but it is too late for him. He would receive a blaster to his head before ever walking out of the Temple or maybe find himself in one of the cells in its lowest levels. No one would believe him if he said this out loud, not even Yoda or Windu who would have to give the order. They could not or wish to conceive of doing so. But reading danger, reading masters is stitched into the fabric of his bones. After Geonosis he could have left, probably. Now though, now they see what can happen when someone like Dooku leaves -they won’t allow it again and have been frightened of him since he was nine. Now they were willing to let the Senate do whatever they wanted to Ahsoka. Now they had accepted an army of slaves. Windu was right. This war is a _Gordian knot_ of _Hobson’s choices_ for the Jedi. Everything they have done has been for the greater good. They must continue on this path because it cannot all have been for nothing. Just one more compromise and it will all be worth it. He doesn’t hate them for it. Who could understand mutilating yourself from the inside out better than him?

It is a small consolation that if or when they decide to put him down, he believes they will send Obi wan away. He may have always felt unsure in where he is compared to the Jedi in Obi wan’s priorities, but the Council has never been 100 percent sure either.

Republic/Empire – Palpatine [{Nine Inch Nails: Hurt}](https://youtu.be/OvoTktdpIiI)

He has been waiting for the world to end for so long, it is almost a relief when it comes. He has felt the _Sword of Damocles_ on this neck for years. Sword of Damocles (noun phrase) - A constant and imminent peril; an impending disaster. The Jedi want him to spy on the Chancellor. They fear he can’t be trusted. He rages because the alternative is to start laughing hysterically and he is already beginning to suspect he’s going mad. Yes, it’s unethical. Yes, the Chancellor is his friend. Yes, it feels a little close to treason. Mostly though, it’s just funny. Of course, the Chancellor is hiding something, is not all he seems. He has known this since he was nine years old, but congratulations for finally catching on. That was some true detective work.

He grew up on Tatooine. He knows there is only one reason the most powerful man in the galaxy would want to meet alone repeatedly with a child. He sees the hunger in the Chancellor’s gaze that bleeds through despite the kind and grandfatherly smile. He knows what wanting looks like. The Jedi said they are not that kind of master, but they sent him here to this office. He knows he will let it happen. How would he stop it? Who would he tell? He convinces himself it won’t be that bad, the Chancellor put on a real show of caring about him. He is difficult, the Jedi still don’t want him. Obi wan fought for him but isn’t in a state to defend him currently. Children follow the mother and if the Jedi do get rid of him, he is not strong enough yet to free her too. He needs a third option. Maybe he can make the Chancellor happy. Nothing ever happens and he gradually realizes the Jedi would never condone that. It simply never occurred to them. By the time he figures out Sidious wanted his soul not his body it is too late.

The problem is, he spends the next 13 years unlearning all the red flags he noticed in a desperate struggle to be the Jedi he should be. The instincts he relied on to stay safe on Tatooine still went off, but he trained himself to ignore them. He was wrong about the Chancellor’s intentions just like he was about the Jedi’s reasons for sending him there. If he acknowledges the holes in what the Chancellor says, then he will have to admit all the others. (This is the truth, Chancellor Palpatine was the most powerful man in the galaxy. He could have at any point freed Anakin’s mother and brought her to safety. He did not. Neither did the Jedi Council, Obi wan, or Padmé. He knows this, he has always known this. He decides to blame himself instead of them. He hates himself, instead of them.)

“You don’t have to pretend with me my boy,” the Chancellor always tells him. “You don’t have to pretend with me either,” he doesn’t answer.

He never suspected that the Chancellor was actually Sidious, but there is a small part of himself that can admit he may not have told even if he had. He has spent his life equally frightened by and covetous of power. He has always relied on the Chancellor’s favor as insurance if everything fell apart. Here is the thing, Anakin doesn’t believe in principles, he believes in survival. He is going to save Padmé. In the end he is the _quisling_ of the story, not the hero. Quisling (noun) – A traitor who aids an invading and/or occupying enemy force, often serving later in the puppet government. He tries not to think about why he knows this word. Why he wrote it down years ago. Was he thinking of himself or someone else? Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t

“There are too many of them Master Skywalker”

Yes. He knows. He did not come to free slaves.

Lost Chances - Padmé Coda [{Avett Brothers: If It’s the Beaches}](https://youtu.be/FuaLFVLcxM0)

There are no words. The dream is dead.

Aftermath – Vader [{Bob Dylan: Like a Rolling Stone}](https://youtu.be/IwOfCgkyEj0)

He is a creature of habit, even after he destroys the very foundations he built his life on, and so in the process of converting the temple to the Emperor’s stronghold he finds himself once again in the Archives lost in the stacks. He obeys the whims of the Force in all things, the way any of his former or current masters wish he would follow(ed) their orders. And there it is. The answer. _Perdition_. Perdition (noun) - loss of the soul; eternal damnation; hell; utter ruin. Fitting. He had known this second life was a punishment, now he has the word for it. And he is sorry, not that it matters. He is so, so, so sorry. But mostly he just doesn’t care. He hated himself before, he hates himself now, and he will continue hating himself until the world ends. He is sorry. He has just never managed to be sorry about the things he should be.

He may have discovered the mot juste for his self-induced ruin, but the true problem is there is no one here to tell. The temple, the planet, the galaxy is so empty he aches. He always felt too much and that was never restricted to his emotions. His ability to sense others in the Force was always overwhelming. It was never quiet in his mind there were always so many people there. Now the Force is silent. Vader does not require guidance in naming this silence, _diaspora._ Diaspora (noun) The movement, migration, or scattering of a people away from an established or ancestral homeland. He has known this word all his life. The only difference is now he is the cause, not the result. The respirator breaths in for him. The respirator breaths out for him. This is _Perdition_. There is no escape. Nowhere to go. So, he doesn’t.

Death Star – Leia [{Coolio: Gangsta’s Paradise}](https://youtu.be/2LJg9UvoKvk)

By the time he finds the Princess of Alderaan, he has become such a _misanthrope_ he misses all the most important things about her. Misanthrope (noun) - someone who hates and distrusts all people. He no longer looks back; his mother is dead. He no longer looks forward; Padmé is dead. There is nothing solid here to hold onto; Obi wan abandoned him. So, he no longer wrings his hands or apologizes for his choices. There is no one he feels obligated to explain himself to, certainly not any of the puffed-up buffoons he commands or the self-righteous rebels who let everything fall apart in the first place. This new attitude suits Sidious just fine. Well it does, as long as they are on opposite ends of the galaxy. They know far too many of each other’s secrets to ever truly coexist.

‘What is thy bidding my master’ means ‘Fuck you!’ in every language.

He looks at the Princess and sees, just for a moment, all he has lost. She is the ever-expanding _lacuna_ in his soul where they once resided. Lacuna (noun) – A gap or hole where something should be. She is cinnamon curls and justice. Shoulders weighed down by impossible choices. Her suffering gladly paid for the future of those she holds most dear. He breaks her to pieces because he cannot stand her being their mirror. She is no match for his emptiness. What started small, is now a blackhole that consumes systems. He does not issue the order that destroys Alderaan, but he wasn’t lying when he said, “the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.” He could have stopped it. He didn’t. It was never about a button or an order. The princess is made, not broken, by the _lacuna_ he has carved out of her chest. There is nothing left to say, so he doesn’t. Obi wan is dead.

Sleep - Obi wan Coda [{Velvet Underground: Pale Blue Eyes}](https://youtu.be/MA3aKUwu-Dk)

Obi wan doesn’t leave him a body to morn. The great Negotiator winning arguments even without words. How can he be surprised that their _schism_ is permanent? Schism (noun) A division among the members of a group into opposing factions because of a disagreement. His feet take him to the apartment they used to share. Sidious ransacked the Jedi temple to transform it into his new palace, but this room has sat untouched from the last time he and Obi wan walked out the door to meet the shuttle that would take Obi wan to Utapau. A physical memory or some kind of obscene shrine. He finds the expensive (now priceless) bottle of Alderaan brandy that they had scribbled their names and for the end of the war on, stashed where he hid it under the sink. Obi wan’s favorite tea set is still on the counter and he fills his cup to the brim before hurling them one after the other to smash against the wall. He sinks to his knees among the other shards of what Obi wan loved best.

“I broke it”

He isn’t sure if he means the teacup, galaxy, or himself

“Yes”

The voice is kind even in its censure, but then Obi wan was never his judge, just the executioner. He doesn’t apologize because he isn’t sorry. He is done lying to Obi wan. He says instead, “I’m tired”

“Then rest”

He does. Obi wan has always been his only safe place. That isn’t changed, even when he no longer knows the difference between loving and hating him. He wakes alone and doesn’t look back. That is not who Obi wan is to him.

Awakening – Luke [{Nirvana: The Man Who Sold the World}](https://youtu.be/fregObNcHC8)

While once he had been the galaxy’s Hero With No Fear, now he is its _Bête noire_. Bête noire (noun) A person or thing that is particularly disliked, dreaded, or avoided; the bane of one's existence. This new title does not chafe the way the old one did. He was a monster and a coward. Now he is just a monster because there is nothing left to fear. Then he hears the words “the pilot who destroyed the Death Star is Luke Skywalker.” The world breaks. The world resets. It is not fear exactly that awakens in his chest. Not yet at least. Desire, hunger, possessive longing return first. The dream was dead. Now. Now the pilot is Luke Skywalker. He quickly becomes his son’s worst nightmare. _Bête noire._

The Wookie roars, the Princess weeps, the Smuggler freezes.

He knows this scene. How does he know this scene? He has forgotten this scene. His remembers love by what he was willing to destroy for it. In his _hubris_ he has forgotten how to ask and is left with the debris of clutching too tightly. Hubris (noun) - Excessive pride or self-confidence; arrogance. He is in control now. The galaxy is his to command. He spent a lifetime fighting against being on his knees. His pride is all he has left, and he won’t surrender it now. And so, it is all that remains as his dreams hurl themselves away. The boy is gone. Lost again, before he could be truly found. He walks past the shaking admiral and boards his ship. He has his pride (his failure) but Luke has taken his words, his plans. His dreams. I am your father, I am your father, I am your father, I am

Chosen One – Anakin [{Johnny Cash: Hurt}](https://youtu.be/8AHCfZTRGiI)

He feels it again. The approach of the end of the world. It is different this time. He is accepting, not desperate. He has made himself again and again and again like Sisyphus. This role, Vader, has become _moribund_. Moribund (adjective) (1) Approaching death; coming to an end. (2) No longer effective or active; stagnant; not progressing or advancing. He will always look back. He will always move forward. He has one last trick to play and there is no boulder to keep him occupied. Master is distracted by his victory. He smiles behind the mask though no one can see.

He is not a good person, but for Luke he can make a good choice. The Jedi and the Sith were both wrong he thinks as lightning courses through his veins and his life support system begins shutting down. Two sides of the same coin on a desperate quest to _extirpate_ the other. Extirpate (verb) - to pull up by the roots; to root out and destroy completely; to wipe out. He is the Chosen One and he chooses neither. He chooses his son. _Extirpating_ Sidious by throwing him down a radiator shaft maybe an over the top metaphor for the Jedi/Sith conflict, but at the end he doesn’t have to be silent. Luke hears him. Luke understands him. That’s enough. It’s all he ever wanted.

The Force [{Elephant Revival: Drop}](https://youtu.be/IkfWk7XaswQ)

The Force is all things and I am the Force

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed please leave a comment. If you hated how I approached something, please be respectful in your flaming so I can listen your point of view without getting defensive or creative in your insults so I can add them to my bank. Also, if you have other song choices let me know! Full disclosure I almost went Hole ‘Doll Parts’ for the Death Star section because the mental image of Leia and Vader screaming this in each other’s faces is gold. 
> 
> Shout out to Chash in the 100 fandom b/c they wrote a fic with the summary "the complications of not being sorry" and I think that's a perfect tag


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